Knock Out's Monkey
by Lusewing
Summary: When Knock Out has the bright idea to try and speed up his beauty treatments via the use of his very own 'pet' human he finally starts questioning just how far is too far when it comes to looking good.
1. Chapter 1

**Pure fun with Doc Knock as he tries an interesting solution to his constantly interrupted beauty treatment. Far more humor than dark but no romance. Enjoy the first chapter which is less story more preening.**

**This is set just after season 2's episode 'Hurt'**

Knock Out was really starting to hate this planet. The rough, grit covered roads ready to bounce up and chip his paint. The mud and the rain, trying to get under his paintwork. And worst of all; Knock Out gave a shiver that ran along his whole frame; the birds and their...doings. Forget the Autobots, this whole fragging world was out to strip him of his finish and no one, not one bot on Nemesis cared, not anymore at least. Ever since Breakdown had gone...missing, being the selfish 'Con that he was, he had had to see to all his own buffing and detailing, and there were just some places on his chassis that he could not reach or apply the right pressure to. The Doctor had even tried to rig up a remote arm he could operate but his finish was so paramount he found himself unable to trust the lifeless thing. Still at least the arm would not deliberately put any more scratches into his beautiful paintwork, not like Starscream or Megatron, and it made a great tool holder when he worked.

There were however a few good points to this slag heap of a world. Humans knew how to put together a fine looking alt form. The Medic slowed his speed down to glide next to a transport truck whose sheer metallic casing reflected Knock Out's perfection from a slightly top down angle. Ohhh he looked good.

"Hello Handsome." The sleek lines and strong curves of the red Aston Martin DBS V12 shone back at him to only further his preening. It was a form that spoke of not only speed but also power and style, a deadly combination that only he laid claim to, and if anyone said otherwise...well lets just say they got some complimentary cosmetic surgery.

Pulling back slightly to enjoy the full effect of his departure, Knock Out raced past the truck and towards one of the few spots on Earth he could tolerate for any amount of time. The humans called it an Auto superstore, Knock Out called it a gift from the All Spark. While true that Human car products would never match up to their Cybertronian counterparts, it was not like he could nip back home and grab a few supplies. Thus he had spent his time on this mud ball sampling and testing all the organics had to offer. Not on himself first though, not until he was sure it was safe for him to use. After all that was what spare parts and servant drones were for.  
Getting hold of said products had, however, been a pain at first. Megatron, and later Starscream, wanted them all to keep a low profile to reduce any human interference in their plans. The fleshbags might be primitive but they were also numerous, and about as difficult to exterminate as a Scraplings nest; just when you think you got them all, more of the vermin would show up. So Knock Out had go down a few other routes.

Internet ordering had looked perfect at first, but he was not a very skilled hacker and had yet to be able to convince that slagger Soundwave as to why he needed a fake account, then again what did he expect from that mech, he knew about good conversation then he did about style.

Next he had tried the outlet stores. These were more promising but required him to produce a holo-form to get what he wanted, and no hard light was able to be sustained at the distance he needed it to go. Thankfully the Doctor put his brilliant mind to the task and came up with the solution - money. Little scraps of paper that represented credit on this world, get enough of it and you could get the humans to do whatever you wanted - even do all the shopping and bring it out for you. Getting the money had proved very easy, at least for Knock Out. Street races proved to not only be fun but a great source of income and took place all around the world. Which was lucky as K.O. found out the hard way that humans got very aggressive when you tried to pay them in something other than the local currency.

Nowadays the Con Doc had a good routine going with three different stores, one in Europe, one in China and one in America, each one supplying him with the best products he had found. He was visiting the American one today, though far sooner than he had originally planned to. His last run in with the Autobots had almost cleaned him out of the paint he used. The fragging Bot's and their human pets had hit him with a train...a TRAIN. Why, the state of his chassis had been horrendous and it had taken him hours to get himself back to any sort of decent shine, then some scrap brained Insecticon had ruined everything! To top it all off, all Megatron cared about was getting Soundwave's viser fixed. Didn't he see the pain his medical officer was going through?  
Knock Out's engine revved in anger as he tore up the pitiful excuse the humans called a road and swung round into an open parking spot spraying gravel on several cars and humans in the process. Two honks of his horn and Knock Out quickly gained himself a human lackey ready to take his order and see to his every whim.

Rattling off his list of supplies to the waiting and eager servant helped cool his engine, at least these humans gave him some respect. He didn't even need to maintain a holo-form and just kept his windows dark.

"I will personally make sure to get everything on the list for you Mr Aston. If I might suggest, we do have a new hand car washing and valeting area around the side. Free of charge of course. The roads can get awfully dusty around these parts." Knock Out had to admit he quite liked being the one in charge every now and then, having others sucking up to him - even if they were human vermin. Not that he had any plans of trying to knock Megatron off his pedestal.

"I might just do that." Replied the doctor before revving his engine and pulling out of his bay. He only just missing the human, but did get to enjoy the quick look of panic that passed over its face.

Knock Out reached the cleaning area that had been pointed out to him, after all it would be a few breems before they had gathered all of the components on his list so why not relax a little and get some of the Earth filth off him. The humans working at their stations seemed competent at their jobs and, so long as they didn't use any products without his approval, it was safe enough. Besides one scratch and he would simply demand more products in compensation, the humans here knew the value of looking good.

His arrival had sparked a flurry of activity and each pair of humans that were not currently occupied with another vehicle were vying for his attention, some even waving and showing their their bay was free. Knock Out gave a smug sigh to himself. Let Megatron rule with fear and domination; he preferred to use charm, good looks and good old fashioned greed.

Pulling into a bay with two curvy human females, who thankfully had not opted for the talons many of their class often sported. Knock Out cut out his engine and kicked in his charm.  
"Hello ladies. It would seem I get to help myself to your services for free. Of course, depending on how good a job you both do, could persuade me to make a donation."

"Of course sir"  
"What sort of a treatment were you looking for?" Both femmes smiled as they looked him...well his alt-form, over. One was pale, with white gold fur on top of her head held in two draping wings either side. The other was slightly darker and had deep red fur held tight to the head after which it then billowed out into a cloud of red froth at the back.

"Just a rinse and dry, no products at all."

"Aww" Pouted the red one "sure you don't want me to come inside and give your beast a once over?"

"Just the outside is fine ladies." Ugg, like he needed humans crawling around in his internal compartment. No more was said as the two humans went about cleaning the dust and bugs from his chassis with cool, but not cold, water. Perfect.  
This was the life thought Knock Out. Maybe he could convince Megatron to see just how useful trained humans could be, their quick, small, fleshy fingers were almost made for these sorts of tasks. Maybe they could have facilities like this set up in the Nemesis? Surely even Megatron enjoyed the feeling of being clean and gleaming,though he had heard rumours that their Lord kept an oil bath in his private quarters. Lucky Con.

Halfway through getting dry his purchases arrived and were quickly packed away in his trunk which he opened himself. The money, as well as a very generous tip, sat where it usually did in one of his compartments and was quickly collected and tucked away with a receipt put in its former place. Both of his bathers took a look inside but were disappointed to find their view of the 'driver' was blocked by a glass screen. The screen was not really there, just a hologram, but it was easier to maintain than a human holo-form would have been, and a lot less of a hassle to get right.

With everything stowed away Knock Out was left to finish his clean up. After all he was not about to risk water marks on his paint job, so remained where he was as the girls continued using the microfiber cloths to dry every last drop from his body. The Doctor loved those cloths, he had even taken to buying the larges sheets he could direct from the manufacturer to drape over his berth and prevent and scratches as he recharged. A thought slowly crept into Knock Out's processors, one he couldn't shake, and the more he lingered on it the more it grew.

"All done sir." Both girls were tossing their cloths into a container and moving the hose out of the way.  
"Are you sure we can't tempt you into trying out our new detailing clay?"

"Maybe some other time. I do have a little tip in here if you like, for all your hard work." Knock Out opened his passenger side door a little and started up his holo form. He still didn't like the idea of a human inside him but all that thought of how useful Humans could be had started his processors going. With Brakedown missing he was getting less and less time to focus on his finish. Even Megatron couldn't deny the fact that he needed his medic in top condition, and missing recharge cycles to repair the mutilations he was having to suffer through was hardly going to help the crew. So why not...

The red human opened the door and smiled, the smile grew even more when the shadowed man in front of her held up a hand displaying two $50 bills. However he was not moving his hand over to give her the money and instead waved it in front of himself enticingly. Reaching forward the red human gasped with confusion when her fingers went through the holographic money! She didn't even have enough time to work out she was not getting her tip before she was zapped into unconsciousness and pulled all the way inside.

The other human female only turned when she heard the door slam shut, which was a good job, because she had to quickly jump out of the way of the speeding Aston Martin.

Knock Out called in the ground bridge once he had found a good spot off the road, no doubts he would have human law enforcers on his trail already, a trail that was about to run out very quickly. One of the benefits of being the only Medical Con was you got all sorts of favors from the troops. after all, it was always best to stay on the good side of the doctor (no matter how small that side might be). They were used to his little trips to pick up 'medical supplies' so there was nothing suspicious about Doc Knock staying in vehicle mode once he was on the ship.

"Did you get everything you needed sir." Asked one of the cons at the bridge controls. He didn't really want to know, he just wanted to be remembered incase he needed some medical help a little later down the line. Smart con.

"And a little extra." chuckled Knock Out as he rolled forward and waited for the door to open out into the corridor. "You can delete those coordinates from the files now, I don't think I will be needing them any more." He carried on down towards his quarters as he heard a few 'yes sirs' before the door closed behind him.

Sure he would have to find another shop to pick up a few particular supplies but if he could get this little experiment to work then he would have more than enough time to sort out that little problem. And if the human turned out to be too much of a problem he could simply drop it off the side of the ship, not that he expected trouble from one that had already been shown to have just the skills he wanted. After all, how hard could training a human be?


	2. Chapter 2

**Hmm something is still not right with this chapter but I am not sure what. Anyone who can help me out at all by Beta'ing for me would gain my endless thanks. Writing is something I love and work hard at...but that don't mean I am all that good. Gah enough with my own criticizing, thats what you the readers are meant to be doing.**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Knock Out covered his audio receptors quickly as what sounded like some sort of alarm suddenly blasted around his quarters. Scanning for the source of the noise his red optics focused on the human femme, who was now not only online, but seemed to be initiating some sort of audio based defence system. The organic had been dumped on the floor of his private quarters along with the rest of his supplies as he transformed. Each item of which he was currently filing away into their correct storage container, but now she was pinned up against one of the walls, trying to pry one of the panels apart. Of course there was no way for her to accomplish such a task, not with her pathetic strength, she would not even be able to damage the walls, but the assault on the air around her proved to be far more effective. Who knew humans had this level of annoyance?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Quickly realising that the noise she was making could quite likely be heard outside and in the other rooms Knock Out knelt down and raised both his hands to show he didn't have any weapons or anything to harm her (other than the fact that he was a giant, alien robot).

"I'm not going to hurt you." The Con said as gently as he could, which of course was much harder to do when all he wanted was to squash the little pest. To his suprise, Knock Out watched as the human suddenly went completely rigid while its optics appeared to grow by about two sizes. His scientific mind only had a few clicks to process this strange ability before...

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**_

The siren started again, but this time with even more force. High pitched screeching caused Knock Out to grind his gears and vent as his servos curled into fists.  
"Frag this" he growled before pulling out his shock rod and turning the human 'off' with a quick jolt. She silenced immediately, while collapsing to the ground with a few spasms.

"Uhh thats better" he said with a sigh gently rubbing his helm to try and clear the residual ringing. The Doctor had not been expecting the human to do anything like that. Most of the humans he had been exposed to, at least in his bipedal form, either shot at him, ran away, or spewed out witty remarks in the case of the Autobot pets.

"Sir?" Knock Out turned with his staff pointed at the door before realising he was not under attack...yet. It was likely just one of the patrolling 'cons. Quickly moving to the door and sub spacing his weapon the doctor found himself correct in his assumptions and faced with three Eradicons, all looking a little confused.

"Yes. What do you want?" Knock Out folded his arms speaking in a sharp, 'I am not in the mood', tone. He needed to get this sorted out quickly, who knew when the little shrieking pest would wake up again, and Megatron would file his finish down with a rusty grinder if he found out a human had, deliberately, been brought aboard the Nemesis. However he couldn't be sure if the 'cons had heard the screaming or not, maybe they were here to see if they could get a spare part or...

"We registered screams coming from this sector. Is everything alright?"

"Ah...um, you see," so they had heard the screams. "I was buffing and I...chipped a bolt"

At his words all three Eradicons slowly seemed to find something very interesting to look at on either the walls, or the ceiling; anywhere in fact, other than at the doctor.  
"Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry to disturb you sir." The door closed, and K.O. was fairly sure he was in the clear. Listening he could hear talking slowly die away as the patrol moved on, but thankfully, at least for the Eradicons, he was not able to hear what was being said. Needless to say there was going to be a certain recording that was going to be doing the rounds amongst the drones.

Turning back to glare at the crumpled human Knock Out noticed something worrying. Crossing the short distance across his room he leaned over the little organic and examine it, at least as best he could with his limited knowledge on the fleshling.  
There was a yellow tinted fluid spilled onto the floor around the human's midsection.  
Scrap. He must have caused some sort of hemorrhaging when it was zapped. Weird though. Knock Out's optics focused in as he frowned. Up until now he had only ever seen the humans leak red fluid, which worked the same as his own Energon flows. What was this then then? Was it used in joint movement like his hydraulic fluid?

Interesting. Knock Out stood up and tapped a long needle sharp on his lip while trying to see if he had any files that might help. Results came back negative.

With a ponderous 'hmm' the Doctor walked over to his personal terminal and accessed the humans internet to try and find out what had gone wrong. It was an annoying way to get information, and seemed far too focused on procreation of said species, but it had proved the most accessible way to gain information on this planet. Typing in a few key words the Decepticon waited for results.

Plasma. Bile. Vomit. Urine.  
"Disgusting." Not wanting to see anymore Knock Out closed the terminal and reassessed his 'patient'.  
"Organics are just bags of mush and bones." Urine seemed to be the most likely fluid, and thankfully it was a natural leakage. Which was good news as it meant that nothing should be broken, thus saving him from having to collect another specimen. The mess had to be cleaned up though, things had a habit of growing on areas that had collected any amount of organic matter and that was not something he wanted to deal with. Knock Out, however, found himself highly adverse to getting any of the expelled waste on him, or anything that leaked out of the meat bag for that matter.  
Cybertronian fluids were fine, so long as they didn't stain, though on the whole he prefered to work cleanly. Many Decepticon medics had a habit of...making a mess, but that was just not Knock Out's style. How could anyone really enjoy their work with fluids getting in the way?

Looking around his supplies the Doctor tried to work out what he could use to clean up the mess. Normal cleaning fluids would likely dissolve the human, even at a diluted level. Plain water was probably his best bet and thankfully he always kept a good supply for use alongside the human cleaning products. On such a wet world it was not surprising that the native lifeforms had developed such strong ties to using the stuff though it did mean that there was far too much humidity in the air on this planet, causing a lot more cases of rust amongst the troops then normal. Rust, thankfully, was something he didn't have to worry about on the organic.

Getting one of the water containers down Knock Out now had the problem of just how he was going to do this. Retrieving his staff he nudged the organic as gently as he could, it groaned. If he tried to move her she would more then likely wake up, and zapping her into silence while submerged in water didn't seem like the best way to keep the organic alive. A thought suddenly struck him and he went back to his stores.

K.O. had a rather extensive range of chemicals in his possession, mostly for his own use, though some were for medical purposes. The particular one he picked up had quite interesting effects on humans, putting them into stasis when a small amount was used, offlining them in larger doses. It was collected a few years ago when the Decepticons had attacked a few scientific research posts to gather intel and chemical weapons - after all, why spend your time finding ways to wipe out a creature when it was far better at developing the methods itself.

With a small amount of the clear liquid ready in one of his spray canisters incase it was needed Knock Out picked up one of his cable forceps. He could get a much better grip on the human with these then he could with his own servers and the padded grip would not crush the fleshling into a messy gloop.

A few moments later saw Knock Out standing with a container of water in front of him and a human hanging from a pair of medical forceps. Its head was slumped to one side after having inhaled enough chloroform to keep her in her stasis but it was still functioning so had not been overdosed. Dunking the organic in the water proved to not really be a hassle, he even gave her a swirl around in the water to make sure the waste fluid had dissipated when he was sure that the movements would not counteract the induced stasis.  
Clean...to a point, Knock Out now faced the problem of what he should do with a very wet organic. This particular one didn't have much in the way of covering, a thin length of woven fiber along the top, a thicker layer around the thighs and protection around its pedes, so most of the water ran off and back into the jar...which would have to be emptied and sanitized now. Knock Out was already starting to have doubts about this whole situation.

Deciding to combine his problems the doctor emptied the container down a drain, threw in a pile of old, but clean, microfiber cloths and then released the human into it all. Problem solve. The human would dry and he didn't need to spend any more time sorting it out. Switching the lid to ventilate and then making sure it was secure, Knock Out tapped the clear front a few times to insure the organic was still in stasis before placing his new 'pet' back onto the shelf and getting to the quick job of spraying cleaning fluids on the floor to rid his quarters of the mess.

Filthy. Had Knock Out known that he would have to deal with all of this he might have just ignored his sudden flash of inspiration back at the Auto store. Wasn't the whole point of getting a human to be that she would be keeping him clean - NOT the other way around. However it was here now, he may as well see what he could do with it while he had the chance.


End file.
